Thursday, December 30, 2010

Don't Be A Celiacshole!

In the ever evolving world of food and beverage, a (relatively) new and worthy adversary has emerged with a vengeance.

Over the span of what could be interpreted as months, but has really been evolving for years is Celiacs Disease.
To those unaware, this is an autoimmune disease of the small bowel that occurs to genetically indisposed people of all ages starting in middle infancy. However; to those aware of this pre-disposition but not being directly affected by it, one could deduce that one of the most common symptoms is it can turn you into an asshole. (ironic based on the location of affected area)

Allow me to please take a sympathetic step back while Celiacs catch their breath and decide whether to keep reading or not.

I have nothing but the utmost sympathy for anybody affected by any disease and this is simply a rant to the small percentage of those that treat me (and others in my profession) like the very people that gave them their illness, and it seems to me that topically this illness could be related to kids and the ADD epidemic that seemed to gain speed and popularity as soon as Ritalin was invented and hyper kids could be muted...bottom line is that yes many people are affected directly by an intolerance to gluten and must eat accordingly, but just because you get a lower belly pain when you eat 3 loaves of bread in one seating or get a little farty when you drink a gallon of soy sauce with your sushi does not mean that you get to jump on or drive the bandwagon.

More importantly its not my fault.

So when you begin your meal with the tone of royalty telling me about your allergy and I, in turn, tell you exactly what items on the menu are safe for your consumption (because I am that prepared of a manager and so is my staff), don't waive me off dismissively like the royal food tester and aghast at my incompetence when I bring you your "very safe" soup of the day with a fried plantain chip in it, because you thought it was a tortilla chip.
Generally people don't get to take responsibility for the daily operation of an establishment when they can't even carry out the simple task of providing you a dining experience based on your dietary restrictions, and just in case your keeping score-I have the keys to the place.

Here it is-Celiacs have had a tough run of things while the general public has adapted menus and education policies for staff to assimilate themselves with this new allergy, and I can totally dig that for the last 5 years you have remained in your house eating nothing but chicken broth through a strainer behind drawn shades while the rest of us have tried to catch up, but the bottom line is communication.
All anybody has to do is make a phone call before your time in a restaurant and ask if the establishment is equipped to handle a gluten free dining experience. (most are) Then remove your empty Kleenex boxes from your feet and pull your hair back into a pony tail then step into the light and come enjoy a fine meal void of anything that may cause you pain. But leave the attitude back at the house with your collected bottles of urine because I really don't want to crumple a cracker into your salad dressing....but so help me god.

Naw, I'm just playing...could you imagine?


Renee D. said...

What a good writer you are! Love it. Great flow and meter to your words. I'm a fan!!

toddzoo said...

Good job! I just love your humor. But check paragraph 6 line 3 for error. Love ya man

Susan K said...

Love it Toby! This is truly the disease du jour and I like that you make that distinction. No one can eat poorly without consequence and there are some who truly have Celiac disease and can not eat gluten. Eliminating gluten from an overall poor diet is not the answer, but you know us humans: find a bandwagon and hop on! Oh and make it someone else's problem while we're at it!